Two Pound a Pair

A bustling market place in a Yorkshire town.

Two MARKET TRADERS man competing stalls. They wear long overcoats and flat-caps and speak with gruff Yorkshire accents and loud voices as they try to sell to their products to the audience.

TRADER #1: (To audience) Two for a pound! Two for a pound! Come and gerrit while it’s ‘ere, two for a pound!

The NOBODY enters.

(To NOBODY) Alreet?

NOBODY: Oh god, you’ve got a ferret down your trousers, haven’t you?

TRADER #1: Dun’t talk wet.

TRADER #2: I wun’t put it past ‘im.

TRADER #1: I an’t done that for years. No, what I’m sellin’ is better than a ferret.

NOBODY: (Ironically) No?! Better than a ferret? Do go on.

TRADER #1: Aye, an’ not ‘alf as furry.

NOBODY: It must have cost you a pretty penny.

TRADER #1: A fair few bob.

NOBODY: It’s not dignity then, is it?

He exits.

TRADER #1: (Calling after him) Two for a pound though, cock? No? Chuffin’ ‘ell! (To audience) Two for a pound!

TRADER #2: (To TRADER #1) Bit cheap, in’t it?

TRADER #1: (To TRADER #2) Tha’s one to talk, I’ve sin what tha’s sellin’.

TRADER #2: ‘Cheap’ dun’t cut it.

TRADER #1: They’re high quality, seasoned-

TRADER #2: They’re past their bloody sell-by-date.

TRADER #1: They’re well-aged, vintage-

TRADER #2: Old!

TRADER #1: Are the’ ‘eck as like! They’re better than the muck tha’s pushin’.

TRADER #2: Tha dun’t know what I’m pushin’.

TRADER #1: Show us then.

TRADER #2: Tha’ must be joshin’! Whip ’em out for thee? Not bleedin’ likely!

TRADER #1: Told thee!

TRADER #2: Tha’ will eat them words when thee sees ’em. Wait ’til I get a bit of business. (To audience) Tarts, two pound a pair! Two pound a pair on tha tarts!

TRADER #1: That’s bloody cheap.

TRADER #2: (To TRADER #1) They’re not. I’ve told thee; they’ve got class.

TRADER #1: Not cheap, cheap!

TRADER #2: Oh, cheap! Cheap?

TRADER #1: Aye, cheap. ‘ow does thee expect to mek any money at that price?

TRADER #2: Well…I dunno. I just did it to get close to thee at “two for a pound”.

TRADER #1: Not two for a pound, two for a pound!

TRADER #2: Oh, two for a pound! Two for a pound?

TRADER #1: (With a vulgar pelvic thrust) Aye, two for a pound!

TRADER #2: (Also thrusting) Two for a pound!

TRADER #1: Aye.

TRADER #2: No one’s gonna tek two for a pound.

TRADER #1: Just thee watch.

He produces a small wooden crate, which he places on the floor and stands upon.

TRADER #2: Ay up?

TRADER #1: (To audience) Come one, come all, who walk or crawl, to sample t’best of British produce. All freshly ripe and locally sourced…except for Kanya who’s from Thailand. Gentlemen and…ladies – if there are any – I want thee to ask thasen a simple question: are thee a tit man? Are thee? I know what tha’s thinkin’: is there any other kind of man? Well dun’t look at me like I’ve brock into thy ‘ouse on Christmas and shat on tha’ turkey, gerrup ‘ere an’ prove it!

TRADER #2: Oh, aye?

TRADER #1: We ‘ave got the finest women for thee from the finest parts of Yorkshire – God’s own country! We’ve got Rita from Sheffield, Barnsley Beth, and, for those who wanna try summit a little more exotic, we’ve got Tina from Rotherham. Now, dun’t be like that, tha dun’t know ’til tha tries! So gerrup ‘ere and try ’em out, gi’ ’em a whirl, tek ’em out for a spin!

TRADER #2: What’s tha’ doin’?

TRADER #1: (To TRADER #2) It’s called showmanship.

TRADER #2: It’s a shower of shite!

TRADER #1: (To audience) Gerrup ‘ere to ‘ug some jugs, get absorbed by the orbs, or treat the teats. We’ve got bits of tits, triple the nipple, and bosoms by the dozen. We’ve got boobs, boobies, boobage, and breasts. Cans, candies, clangers and chests. We’re bursting with bouncing busts, bumpers, baps, bazookas, bazoomas, balloons, breast-icles and tits. Tits! Tits, titties, and teats; treat thasen and ‘ave one of each.

TRADER #2: Ah, bollocks t’this!

During the following, TRADER #2 produces another crate and stands on it:

TRADER #1: (To audience) Knockers an’ norks, ‘onkers an’ ‘ooks. ‘ogans, ‘ermans, ‘eadlights, and lung protectors. Melons, moundies, mountains and frost detectors.

TRADER #2: (To audience) We’ve got the best breasts lest thee forget! We’ve got twins, twinnies, and the Mitchell Brothers.

TRADER #1: We’ve got chee-chees, cleavage, and cow-like udders. Fun bags, airbags, an’ double whoppers.

TRADER #2: Breast-icles, chest-icles, and show-stoppers.

TRADER #1: Globes an’ strobes.

TRADER #2: An’ probes.

TRADER #1: An’ lobes.

BOTH: Tarts, two for a pound!

A young WOMAN has appeared behind them in her underwear, she is hastily covering herself with a male’s coat.

WOMAN: Would you two daft apeths gi’ o’er?! You’re driving business away and ruining what little we’ve got!

She exits. The two TRADERS step down from their crates. Pause.

TRADER #1: Women, ‘ey?

TRADER #2: Tarts, lot of ’em.

Snap blackout.


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